Thursday, November 8, 2012

Rape Culture

In a dull grey flurry of words, smeared spoken newsprint text, I hear two words before I zoom back into focus:
"...rape culture." 
I'm a bit spacey today. I think it's the meds. No, I think it's the company. Sometimes I don't know what to think. 
I've been staring at the bright oil cloth for a while, willfully distracted. 
He had just got done saying that he couldn't imagine ever finding himself attracted to ("to physically love") a larger ("fat") woman and, thoroughly disgusted, I was too exhausted to pick yet another fight on the subject. The topic comes up perennially with him, perhaps as a very thinly veiled threat. At least, that's how it seems to me as he says these things and then looks at me out of the corner of his eye. Preemptive, tentative, accusatory periphery. I hate that. How could I not hate that? 
"You should write about rape culture on your blog." 
"What about it?" 
"That we live in it." 
"What do you know about rape culture?" 
"I read an article about it."
He's Lassie, trying to tell me something, bark bark rape culture bark, but I don't want to hear it right now. I'm stuck on the other thing. 

I've known from the start that Igor is of the extremely vain sort, but really... Do all men feel that way, somewhere in them? 
If I'm thin, am I more lovable? 
(If I am physically desirable am I more lovable?)
((or... maybe, because I'm superficially valued, am I less lovable...?))

This is the pervasive mental dominance in our culture that has the potential to reach every girl and woman, an act of violence he commits without blinking while congratulating himself for somberly noting buzzword phrases such as "rape culture" -- as if, at this point, I could be impressed by him or what he has to say to me about women's issues. 

These are things, I think, that are failing to compute. 


  1. Wait, how did Igor come back into the picture? Am I mixing up my nicknames? Be a masochist in the bedroom, where you're good at it, and keep it out of your non-sex life.

    Here's what I think about larger ladies (since you asked):

    I can love a fat woman. I can happily fuck a fat woman. Almost moreso than a too-thin woman. Certainly moreso than an anorexic.

    I could try speaking for the rest of my kind, but that's kind of dumb. Here's my take.

    I feel like a woman who has let herself go exhibits low self-control. I'm attracted to women because of their convictions and self-reliance, and it's important to me that I don't have to be their "Daddy." Not that "Daddy." Well, maybe that "Daddy," but that's a different topic (one you already arrived at, I recall).

    I know there are some people that are predisposed to being large, who are better off in their lives being overweight than trying otherwise. Sometimes they are victims of their own poor upbringings and habits as children. Sometimes it's just genes.

    I'm a lucky guy when it comes to genes, so I try to tread carefully when talking about other people's. I'm healthy, handsome, and a white male, the latter of which is unfortunately an advantage.

    But I was fat once. Not dangerously overweight, but noticeably a different look. And I was mocked and bullied and ostracized. To be fair, I still am for other reasons, so maybe it wasn't the fat (don't cry for me, I handle it well now).

    Here's the point: If I had worn my fat as armor, rather than shame, I would have been received very differently. If a woman does the same, embraces who she is or wants to be, I can get behind that (and on top of that, and under that, and above that...). If she is fat and feels sorry for herself because the world sucks, or because she is lazy, I'll be repulsed by her.

    Full disclosure, I do suffer like most men from the biology of Curve Paralysis. When that perfect combo of tits and ass and big, beautiful eyes comes along, I struggle to focus through the fog in my brain. Hard to help it, I'm afraid. But please, I'm a person, too, you know.

    Are you more "lovable" if you are physically desirable? What the hell does "lovable" mean? Do you mean can you retain a short term relationship better if you make yourself more fuckable? Well, yes. Duh. But nobody had a working long term relationship based on just fuckability. Stats FTW (I'm on a Nate Silver binge).

    I came from "acrobat culture" (see how I tie it all together?). Being fat was not acceptable, and there was nobody to tell me otherwise. A lot of women are slaves to their society's "norms" and feel the pressure to conform. It's not easy to just armor-up as I've suggested. Fat women are at a disadvantage if they intend to be like all the normies.

    But that's just it, isn't it? What makes a woman unattractive (to sane, reasonable, worldly, smart, devilishly handsome men like myself) is her neediness towards conformity. When she has that neediness and is also fat, she is literally wearing it for the world to see that much more easily.

    You obviously understand this struggle much better than I do (I am NOT calling you fat, so stop right there). Life is tougher for a lady. It's a world run by men who are desperately clinging to their (waning) subordination of the other sex.

    (Remember what I said about masochism?)

    To implement everything I've just said is so hard, moreso when you feel so alone doing it. I guess I'm just hoping that you'll remember that some of us pervs got yer back.

    PS - Fun fact: Lassie never once on that show had to help rescue a kid from a well, and even got stuck in a well one time herself. /randomfact

    1. You have the names straight, as far as I reckon, and the man in question is in fact no longer in the picture. I came across these notes and I felt the timing was right to make them into a post, given my last one about women's body image. For a while after Igor and I split I couldn't process notes concerning him because they made me feel too icky, but it's OK, I can revisit these moments and I don't feel icky anymore.

      I'm happy to hear that you personally, Slater, can love and fuck fat women as long as they own those dumps in their truck like a boss. And FYI, you don't have to be my "Daddy", that "Daddy," I already have one. It's touching to realize that you can relate to the plight of the overweight enough to bring yourself to pity fuck, but the point that brought be to disgust was a person vowing that they would withhold physical and emotional love from me if I tipped the scales, regardless if I feared I would. That's what made me depressed with my already self-destructing relationship, and yes a little in mankind.

      I do appreciate you leveling it out a bit for me, though. But so, what your saying to me now is you wouldn't fuck me if I was too skinny? What a terrible game man plays on a woman...

      Sigh... whatever. I feel a bit better after letting it out. I fuckin' love pervs. Thanks Slater. Glad you have my back.

    2. See? Dangerous territory...

      Be skinny if you want to, I would totally fuck you, unless it broke your skinny bones. I fuck you for you, darlin'. Yea, physical is important, and I'm sometimes and involuntary slave to it, but I try to make it less about me.

      Anyway, I already struggle at times with slapping you when you have padding. I wouldn't want to tone down our expression, you see...

      PS How do I get notifications of comment replies? I have no idea when someone talks to me on this site.